At first, it starts off innocently enough. A soft, barely there whisper of a kiss on your cheek, forehead, hand when he says good night. And then, the lips are no longer involved and when that mouth is gone...what it did to your insides. Now, it's a pat on the outside of your thigh; "pat" probably being too strong of a word when it's just fingers doing a little grazing. And you're left wondering...when did the meeting of your skins and bodies stop? The stroking, nibbling, tasting, devouring...they all just stopped. As if he forgot how. Or worst, he knows these actions but he has no inclination to do them. Like he's looking at you and doesn't feel stirred. Or any anticipation. And he doesn't remember what it was like between you and him back then. The fire you had. How ripping the sheets was always lovingly desperate and intense.

When that's ALL I can think about. When I used to choose sex with him over food. When all I ever did was crave him. And sometimes, I want him to want me so bad, that my fingers tingle achingly just touching his chest. I thought that seeing me grow fuller with his baby, would churn his insides crazy with desire. I was wrong....And baffled at how he could look at me with such neutrality.

Because the word "neutral" never existed in my life. I never wore neutral colors. I don't have neutral beliefs. I don't make neutral decisions. Everything in my life is...heat and gusto. But he's all comfort and niceties in five-year old Levi's.

Jilted...

you got me with your baby baby babys
somewhere between the first inning
and the third taste
your lips like rum…
goes along with stardust
and wishful thinking
said you wouldn't mind getting down between my legs
that's what you said

only that was a "today" type of promise, sixty minutes long
your whispers across my thighs
making me trust and ache and dream
said I was a beauty you've never experienced before

you took and took and I gave and gave 
but never enough, sweet enough, fuckable enough, precious enough 
your used, rough gem I became
my secret places I once promised to share on my wedding...a common thing 
and then you had a new plan. and it wasn't me.